It had been three years since Maryam was diagnosed with clinical depression, but to her it felt like centuries. Maryam hated taking medication and refused to notice improvement as she simply stated that, “Nothing works, there’s no cure.” Maryam’s depression made her feel completely hopeless at times which would cause anger to fume into her brain. She unfortunately let out her temper on her family and friends constantly as if they were the reason for her horrible mood.
Maryam’s behaviour disappointed her parents as they believed deep inside she was a soft, kindhearted girl who respects everyone. Maryam gradually noticed that her true self was fading.
Maryam had a rough day at school where she bottled up her emotions and refused to speak to anyone. She felt frustrated and angry and on her way home, only wanting to eat something that satisfied her cravings. She sometimes believed that only writing in her diary and good food could ease her stress and give her some comfort. As she stormed into her house, she began yelling, finally releasing her emotions.
“Amma!” Maryam called to her mum. There was no answer so she called several times, each call getting louder each time. Maryam grew extremely impatient as her mum wasn’t responding.
She furiously stomped her way to her mum’s room. “Why weren’t you answering me?” she yelled.
“Maryam I was on the phone with my boss. It was urgent. I’m sorry,” her mum said apologetically.
“Well, you should’ve come right after you put your phone down! What’s wrong with you?” she said harshly.
Her mum had disappointment pasted on her face. She felt upset knowing that Maryam is getting angry for the smallest reasons. “Well, what did you want, is there something I can help you with?” her mum asked kindly, not raising her voice.
“I want food, and not the food in the fridge from yesterday, I want good food, food that tastes nice,” Maryam said angrily.
“There’s plenty of food in the fridge, why don’t you finish those first?” her mum suggested.
“No!” Maryam yelled, “Urgh!”
Maryam’s mum cooked another meal, trying her best to fulfill Maryam’s requirements. After a while, she cooked some chicken curry that she knew Maryam loved as a kid. However, Maryam rudely refused to eat the food and said she just wasn’t going to eat for the rest of the day. Maryam’s mum exhaled, “There’s food in the fridge if you change your mind,” she said as Maryam slammed her door and disappeared into her room.
After some time, Maryam wept in her room, tears streaming down her face. “Why doesn’t anyone understand me, Diary?” she wrote down in her precious diary that she kept confiding in through the entire year.
She then wrote, “Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?” She refused to let anyone comfort her as she was always mad at her family. Suddenly, her younger brother Ibrahim stepped into her room with a bowl of fruit.
“Has anyone ever taught you to knock?” Maryam stormed, wiping her tears.
“Sorry, Amma just wants you to eat,” Ibrahim said, giving the bowl to Maryam. “I don’t want this!” Maryam yelled, but her brother was already out of her room. She started to cry again, feeling horrible inside. As much as she acted all rude and annoyed, there was always a hint of guilt that creeped up her skin. Something that told her she could change.
***
A few months later, as Maryam came back from high school, she noticed that the house seemed extremely, unusually quiet, she could only hear hoarse coughing from her parents’ room.
She dropped her bag and ran to the room. Ibrahim was holding their mum’s hand, quivering while kneeling down next to the bed she was lying in. Her mum looked so weak and fragile, her eyes small, her skin pale. Maryam has never seen her in this condition before.
“Amma?” she whispered. Her mum, despite the pain she was going through, smiled. Maryam noticed the fatigue in her expression and wondered how she was able to find the strength to smile so cheerfully.
Her mum reached her hand to Maryam and spoke in a hoarse voice, “Maryam, you are a beautiful, kind, young girl, you always face-” she coughs, “challenges by yourself.”
Tears welled up in Maryam’s eyes.
“Amma, what’s happening?” she asked, crying.
She only smiled and replied, “Make dua for me, and remember, be patient, don’t be angry, everything happens for a reason.”
Maryam’s tears felt endless. They kept streaming down her face. Those were her mum’s last words before she passed away.
***
A few weeks after Maryam’s mum’s passing, Maryam decided to study the Quran and learn the teachings of prophet Muhammad. In Ayat 3:134 in the Quran she learnt that “who spend in the way of Allah both in plenty and hardship, who restrain their anger, and forgive others. Allah loves such good doers.”
These words gave her strong motivation and inspiration to strive to follow Allah’s ways.
Additionally, she had written her mother’s last words on a piece of paper and had stuck it on a mirror so she could take her advice. Every day when she was getting ready, she noticed the paper and reminded herself to control her temper. She learnt that her mother was right about controlling her anger. It made her life so much more peaceful and felt bearable.
“Abba!” She called her dad. Since there was no answer, she patiently waited a few seconds and got a response, “Yes, Maryam?”
“Abba, can I help you with the cooking today?” she asked, smiling. Her father’s face lit up with joy and he agreed instantly.
Maryam also engaged with her little brother more, they played board games together and laughed about hilarious tv shows.
“Apu, you’ve changed,” Ibrahim said one day.
“Good change or bad change?” Maryam asked, smiling.
“Good, really good,” he said.
Maryam smiled, and for the first time in a long time, she started to feel a spark of happiness. She felt like who she was again, the person her mum would want to see, the person she wanted to be, the person she wasmeantto be all along.
***
One day, Maryam went to the therapist for her fortnightly check-in.
“Maryam, how’s everything going?” her therapist asked.
“Good, really good, I finally found peace,” she replied with confidence.
Conversations with her therapist used to be frustrating and meaningless to Maryam, but now everything felt like it had a purpose. Just like her mum had said before passing, everything has a reason, and managing your anger can open up new things in your life—it can make you have a stronger connection to Allah and make you a happier, better person.
Maryam finally found herself.
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