“Why am I here? Did someone choose this for me or am I responsible for this? Is it all worth it? Is it up to fate, or does my happiness really depend on me? Will it ever be fine like people always say? What if everything I’ve done up until this point has been a mistake? What if I just drive straight down the hill instead of turning? The allure of death seems more inviting than continuing to live in this world filled with pain and struggles.”
The last thought was so overwhelming that it sent shivers down his spine.
Ali Hashim himself felt a jolt of fear at the final thought that crossed his mind. Swiftly, he reconnected with reality, pulling himself back from the brink of danger. His car was literally on the edge, but with a deft turn of the steering wheel, he averted disaster, narrowly avoiding a deadly plunge down the mountainside. As his vehicle came to a halt near the cliff’s edge, Ali stepped out, quenching his throat with water before settling onto a nearby bench. From this vantage point, he gazed out at the sunset over Islamabad, unable to shake the sense that his own inner light was fading along with the disappearing sun.
It didn’t happen for the first time. Ali Hashim was struggling with these intrusive thoughts for a long time now. Despite trying antidepressants, he found no relief from the persistent thoughts that plagued his mind. He attempted to distract himself by staying busy, but it seemed as though these thoughts were unwelcome guests that had taken up permanent residence in his mind. His mind was kind enough to provide them with space to live and thrive.
Glimpse from the Past
A sense of nostalgia washed over him as he found himself in the same place where he had been with her mother a year ago. He was raised by a single parent, Ayesha Hashim. She was his best friend. One day when Ali returned from his medical school, his mother surprised him with news of a trip to the Northern areas of Pakistan for a few days. This was unexpected, as it had been years since they had taken any trip.
His mother worked as a teacher in a small private school, and he worked part-time while studying to help support her. He thought that perhaps she had planned the trip because of the upcoming summer vacations. Although he wondered why his mother had chosen that year’s summer vacation for the trip, he decided not to ask her any silly questions and happily agreed to the adventure.
They walked around together, and she shared her wisdom like she always did. They sat on the same bench he was sitting on to watch the sunrise and sunset. She always used to say to him,
“There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, Ali. Make sure you keep moving forward.”
She told him stories about his dad and grandparents. Ali never saw his dad in real life, only in photos which Ayesha Hashim had of him. Ali never missed his dad because Ayesha never let him. She made sure that Ali was always taken care of. On the last day of their trip, they celebrated Ali’s birthday in a restaurant at the top of the Hill. He could see the whole city from that restaurant. That day he felt like he was the luckiest son on earth. It was undoubtedly one of the most memorable days of his life. But there was something about Ayesha that was not right. Like she was holding something back, a secret tucked away in the corners of her heart, shielded from her son’s gaze. It was as if there were unspoken words lingering in the air. She was present physically, yet her thoughts seemed to wander to a distant place, a place he couldn’t reach no matter how desperately he tried.
It was not until they resumed their normal lives when he came to know about his mother’s pancreatic cancer, which was deemed incurable by the doctor. The doctor told her that she had only eighteen months left to live, out of which she had already spent seventeen months without revealing the devastating news to her only son. The news hit him hard, causing his world to crumble in front of his eyes. He felt completely unprepared and knew he would never truly be ready for it. He struggled with the thought of living in a world without her as she was his sole motivation to carry on in this melancholic existence.
From that day onwards, he devoted every second to her, tried his best to save her but he couldn’t alter what was meant to be. No one can. “Ali, promise me you will keep walking,” were her last words before she closed her eyes forever. He wept inconsolably until his eyes were dry as a bone. He yearned to break every promise he made to her mother and depart from this world together with her. He couldn’t bear the thought of facing the harsh realities of life alone. Yet, for her sake, he considered honoring his commitment one last time.
Despite making conscious efforts to keep his mind occupied and avoid dwelling on lost thoughts, he couldn’t escape the constant ache of missing his mother. Determined to honor her memory, he threw himself into his studies, pursuing a career in oncology. With a passion fueled by his personal experience, Ali set a mission to make a difference in the field of medicine, particularly for pancreatic cancer. Through years of dedicated work, he found that tiny particles responsible for regulating communication between cells in the human body could hold the key to detecting this deadly disease at an earlier stage.
Despite pouring his heart into that groundbreaking research paper, Ali found himself met with indifference and skepticism from scientists worldwide. Some dismissed his work right away, saying it was destined for failure. Disheartened by the lack of support, Ali’s spirits sank, but the promise he made to his mother burned brighter within him than any disappointment could dim. He kept walking as her mother advised him.
Light At The End Of The Tunnel (Present)
Maghrib prayer was being called when that session of nostalgia finished. “Ali, do you know, what will help you keep walking through the tunnel?” Ali looked at her with a questioning face. “Remembrance of Allah. That’s why I encourage you to pray all the time. Because it’s in remembering Him that you will find comfort and strength, even in the darkest times He will always be there with you in the tunnel.” These words from his mother always echoed in his ears with every prayer.
As Ali Hashim rose from the bench and made his way towards the mosque, his phone interrupted the quiet with an international call. “Hello, is this Ali Hashim, the author of the pancreatic cancer research paper?” the caller inquired.
“Yes, it’s me,” Ali confirmed.
The caller then shared remarkable news: “Your research was tested at a university in California and yielded groundbreaking results, accurately predicting pancreatic cancer cells with an impressive 97% accuracy. But there is more. Your research has been selected for the prestigious Breakthrough Prize in Life Sciences. You’re invited to California on June 6th to receive the award.”
Overwhelmed with emotion, Ali’s eyes brimmed with tears as he murmured, “I’ll be there.” He fell to his knees in prostration, unsure of how long he remained in that position, but enveloped in a sense of gratitude and purpose. In that moment, his mother’s words resounded in his mind once more, killing all the intrusive thoughts that were living in his head for free from years.
It was his birthday that day, June 6th. His name “Ali Hashim” was being called in front of thousands of scientists from all around the world. He ascended the stage to receive his well-deserved prize. The presenter, recognizing Ali’s momentous achievement, posed a question: “Ali, as you stand before us today, do you have any words of wisdom to share with our distinguished audience?”
Ali paused for a moment, taking in the gravity of the moment, before responding with a quiet confidence, “There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep walking.” Tears of joy glistened in Ali’s eyes as he stood on stage. As the applause gradually faded, he suddenly felt the subtle presence of someone watching him from backstage. However, when he looked, there was no one there. He stood there with tears in his eyes while memories of his mother flooded his mind. At that moment, it all clicked for Ali. He finally understood his mother’s words, the reason behind every event, and the wisdom in Allah’s plans. He understood how everything happened because the purpose was bigger than what he understood. As he was stepping down from the stage, a familiar sound reached his ears, confirming his newfound understanding.
“I am proud of you, son. I am proud of you.”
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