As I lie in your lap and you run your long, brittle fingers through my young, soft curls, I allow my tears to spill. I know I am finally safe. I look up into your eyes, the deep sunken eyes, eyes of glass, which hold more stories than the brain remembers. Your gentle touch and soothing presence remind me that I am not alone in my pain. In that moment, I find solace in the connection we share, knowing that you understand without words. Your soft gaze comfort and reassure me that everything will be okay.
I’m taken back to the days where my gratitude towards you ran thin. My endless use of demeaning words, arguments, and retaliation. I never understood the pain, I inflicted upon you, and nevertheless you forgave me time and time again. Your forgiveness and unwavering support are a testament to your strength and compassion. I hurt you so much: I mocked your foreign accent, failed to see the effort you put into learning the English language, never applauded you for coming to a foreign country, for leaving your family behind, not knowing it would be the last time you saw your parents, in order to give your four daughters a better life, whilst yours crumbled behind the scenes. My pride and ego are too high up to express my gratitude. Despite everything I did to let you down, you never stopped loving me unconditionally, always putting my needs above your own. Yet I never thanked you.
You continue to stroke my hair. My safe place. As the tears continue to fall, I reminisce on all the friendships and heartbreaks you helped me through, every time you healed a heart, you didn’t break. Piece by piece, you fixed me, over and over again. Each time I fell, you caught me, never allowing me to hit the floor. Yet I never thanked you. I blamed you; I took my anger out on you, I hated you.
Then you would engulf me in your camelia scented hugs, taking my pain away. I shamed you every time the table was set with a dish I did not like. You never let us go without a meal, embracing our heritage and culture. You taught me my native language and shared stories of our ancestors, connecting me to my roots in a way I never thought possible, installing a sense of pride, and belonging into my heart. Your love and patience never wavered, even when I pushed you away. You gave me the gift of a second language, opening a whole new world of opportunities and connections to my culture and religion. Yet I never thanked you.
You continue to stroke my hair. You once were also a little girl, with dreams, hope, aspirations, desires forever put on hold for me. You were once a little girl that wanted to explore the world. You were once a little girl that thought she would grow old next to her mother, instead you never got to say goodbye, as you were halfway across the world to give us a better life.
I feel your love and sacrifice in every touch. I never saw you cry or break, even when life threw its worst at you, you stayed strong for us. I was never kind to you, with the fact that this is your first time living life as well, your first time being a mother, your first time raising a family. You caught me before I hit the floor, but I never noticed you falling.
You continue to stroke my hair, admiring my beauty, when all I saw were displeasing features. Your touch is gentle and comforting, but my insecurities still linger beneath the surface. I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I stood in front of the mirror, hours on end trying to find the beauty you see in me, but all I could see were flaws and imperfections staring back at me. I longed for the self-love and acceptance that seemed to come so effortlessly to you. I love you, yet I cannot love the parts I took from you. I cannot love the eyes I got from you. I want to believe in the beauty you see in me, but it is hard to shake off the doubts that cloud my reflection. Hopefully one day I will be able to embrace myself fully, just like you do. For now, I tell you, “I wish I never got your eyes,” or “I wish I never got your hips,” with your only response being a kiss on my forehead, as you remind me that I am more than just a reflection of you. Every part of me is unique and deserves to be loved. Yet I never thanked you. Through your hard work and determination to show me the value in myself, I am slowly learning to appreciate my own beauty and worth. Your unwavering support and love have helped me see myself in a new light, one that is filled with self-acceptance and confidence. Yet I never thanked you.
You continue to stroke my hair.
You continue to stroke my hair. I want to thank you, for lighting up my path when I was lost in the dark, for taking care of me because I still need you, for showing me what unconditional love truly is, for being my anchor in the stormy sea of life.
You continue to stroke my hair. I am beginning to see with each year I grow, how much of yourself you sacrificed, and how much you gave to me. Nobody asked you to do what you did. Nobody needed to say anything, since love was the fuel that kept you going. Every sleepless night and early morning. There have been times when I should have shown my gratitude to you, but it is tough when I do not know where to begin. Things I could never convey. I want you to know that you shaped who I am today, and that I adore you. You are always stating how fortunate you are. But I am certain I am the fortunate one; you may have been gifted with me, but I get to call you Mum.
For as long as I can remember, you were always by my side. To give me support, confidence, and help. No matter the issue, you made sure I felt your support.
For as long as I can remember, you were always the person I looked up to. So strong, sensitive, stunning. Always full of determination and beauty inside-out.
For as long as I can remember, you always provided stability within our family, full of laughter, full of tears, full of love.
You continue to stroke my hair. I want you to know I am grateful, for everything you give, I want you to know I am blessed, for everything you have done. I want you to know I see you; I see every beat of your heart, I see a heart that beats for both of us, I see a heart that will never depart. On all the sacrifices you made for me, realising that true love knows no bounds. Your unwavering support and selflessness have shaped me into the person I am today, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Thank you for being my rock, my guiding light in a world full of uncertainty.
As I begin to approach adulthood, I am hit with a rush of gratitude, for the lady you have raised me to be. All of the qualities I am complimented for possessing were instilled through your extreme determination and never-ending effort, to ensure the best possible future for your four daughters. My personal enrichment in my culture and undying faith for my religion, embroidering a sense of belonging into my heart, a sense of appreciation for the beauty of my culture and heritage you have installed in me. Because of this, I am able to navigate the world with confidence and pride in who I am, knowing that you have given me the tools to succeed in life. Your love and guidance have shaped me into the strong, independent woman I am today, and for that, I will be forever grateful. Yet I never thanked you.
You continue to stroke my hair. As my eyes begin to close, and my mind comes to peace. My heart is full. Full of love, contentment. Your peace brings out a peace I had installed in myself but had forgotten. Thank you for reminding me of the beauty and worth that lies within me, and for helping me see myself in a new light. Your love and support have truly made a difference in my life, and I am grateful for you every day.
I dread the day, I may have to say my last goodbye, the day I may not be able to lay in your lap anymore. The day I fall and hit the floor, with no one to catch me. I can only hope I make you a proud mum, and hope that one day I will be just as good a mother with my children. For all the words I never said. I love you, Mum, more than words can say.
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